On The Force (Case 2) [R-18]

Alfred cringes at the subject being brought up. He said what first came to his mind just as he did at the hospital.

"Of course I want to continue our relationship. I mean, it doesn't revolve around sex or anything. We'll be fine without it." Even as he's saying it though he begins to realize just how not simple it might be. After all they had gotten together under a very sexual case investigation and even after that Alfred was a very touchy person. He liked to be hands on with the person who had his eye. It would be a challenge for any couple really. Still Alfred liked to think that it would be easy. He'd only had relations with Arthur twice before and before that he had relied on well..himself for everything.

He gave Arthur a determined look and nodded not wanting to show any bit of doubt that might be floating around his mind. He moves just a bit to take one of Arthur's hands in both of his. "Don't worry okay..I want for you to be able to feel like the most important person in the world before anything else." He pauses and looks down at their linked hands. "Ah um..this is okay though right? We can still..hold hands and maybe cuddle too?" He didn't want to sound pleading or desperate but if the bar was set at not contact at all Alfred might be in a bit more trouble than he thought.

"What if I said no, we can't?" Arthur twisted away, breaking the contact between them. He didn't really mean it--even now, the warmth of Alfred's hands was comforting in a way that nothing else even came close to. He both wanted Alfred near him and wanted Alfred to be far, far away, all at once. The inner conflict was becoming exhausting, and he hated it.

"If I said that no, you can't touch me at all... would you still want to be with me?" His voice was quiet, but carefully controlled. If Alfred said no, then... that was that. The American would be free to leave. If he said yes... Well, Arthur wasn't sure that he could believe any man who said that a relationship didn't need to be physical.

But still, holding hands and cuddling wasn't really sexual, right? None of his past partners had ever bothered with those stupid, affectionate gestures. They were something that he'd willingly shared with Alfred alone. "After all..." You're right, he thought fiercely. It's all I'm good for. There's no point in being with me if you can't do those things. It'll be a waste of time. "I won't be any good to you in that case, right?"

Alfred opened his mouth to reply but it takes him a moment to find the words he's looking for as a heartbroken expression appears on his face.

"If that's really what you want..I'd try my best. I..just it would be really hard." Just the thought of it already has Alfred fidgeting with his hands as if he doesn't know where to put them. He ends up curling into himself slightly, lacing his fingers around his legs.

"Please stop saying that. We were together for a while before anything sexual happened between us and my feelings haven't changed since then either. Arthur, I still love you. If I didn't I wouldn't have bothered to be her right now. Is it so impossible that I might really be interested in just..you, as a person!"

There was so much more he wanted to say but he wasn't sure what Arthur would respond badly to. He was torn between feeling like Arthur was making him out to be the bad guy and Arthur just tearing himself down.

"Yes, it is impossible!" Arthur finally snapped, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. He hated himself for lashing out at the other man, but honestly... Didn't that question only prove that Alfred wouldn't stick around in a completely chaste relationship? "Have you forgotten how we got together in the first place? Our entire relationship has been sexual, right from the very start!"

He knew that he wasn't being fair to the American, and that he was causing Alfred to become both frustrated and upset. But he was upset too, and he didn't appreciate this sudden attack from Alfred. "No one has ever been interested in me... 'as a person'," he continued, his tone of voice as cold as he could make it. "So forgive me for not believing you. And don't make this about you -- the fact is that there is absolutely nothing interesting about me in the least, and although you've since retracted your statement, we both know it to have been true."

There was a short silence, before Arthur spun on his heel and took a few steps away from his partner. "I am tired of discussing this. You can either agree to those conditions--" Though I can't see why you'd want to. "-- or you can leave. I shan't fault you either way. But I am tired."

Alfred sat there looking like be might actually cry. It hurt him to see Arthur doing this to both Alfred and himself. Why was he so convinced that he was unlovable. Hadn't all Alfred had done for him shown at least a little otherwise. It was almost worse than being broken up with.

Alfred bit his lip and moved to stand, covering his face a for a moment with his hands. "Arthur I won't say I'm happy like this but..I'm not going to leave you even if you say things like that. So I guess.. I agree to your...'conditions" He says almost bitterly. He eyes the door. "I guess if that's all you need to know I'll be going back home." Before he can say another word he's walking towards the door. He wants to leave before Arthur see's him become anymore upset.

"Your so stupid sometimes." Alfred mutters voice cracking finally as he exits. When he get's to his car he doesn't put the key in for a several minutes. Just sitting in the driveway forehead resting against the wheel as a few straw tears he didn't give permission to fell down his cheeks.

Arthur stood silently, staring at the ground until he heard the door slam shut behind the other man. "I thought you said that you wouldn't leave," he murmured, staring at the closed door. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly, though he wasn't crying. He was too exhausted to cry. This was his fault, and he knew it. Alfred had been offering him something that he'd wanted. Arthur should have just shut his mouth and taken what he'd been offered. But no, he had to ruin everything again, all because he was a stupid idiot with too many issues.

He stood frozen for a while longer until he heard Alfred's car start up outside. Only then did he check to make sure that the front door was locked. Arthur didn't bother with the lights, but quietly took the kitchen phone off the hook. He slowly went into his bedroom, where he switched his mobile phone off and shoved it into a drawer.

Alfred had said that he wouldn't leave, but he had surely been upset when he'd gone home. Maybe Arthur had just driven in the final stake into their failing relationship. But that was all right... wasn't it? Alfred would soon find someone else. Arthur crawled into bed, but immediately found himself surrounded by a familiar scent that he'd missed for far too long. His throat tightened and his eyes stung as he gathered the pillow that Alfred had been using to his chest, and clung to it tightly.

Everything had been so much easier when no one had cared about him. And Alfred did care. Arthur just seemed to be determined to ruin his only chance at a proper relationship, even though he didn't mean to. His thoughts were always conflicting and he felt so lost and confused now that they'd broken up and now were attempting to get back together. He loved Alfred, yes. But was it fair to love Alfred when he couldn't even love himself?

Matthew knew something was wrong the moment Alfred pulled into the driveway. His brother was in a hurry to get into the house and nearly left the car door wide open before going back and remembering to close it. Matthew met him at the front door where he was greeting a sudden armful of brother. He heard sniffling.

"Alfred..Alfred are you alright!?" He asks awkwardly backing out of the small front hallway and shuffling them both towards the couch were he collapses under Alfred's weight. He pat's Alfred's back. "Did..did you two break up?" He asks hesitantly fearing the worst from how his brother was acting.

Alfred just shakes his head. "No...but we might as well have." There is pain in Alfred's voice and Matthew has to do all he can to keep Alfred calm enough to keep talking. "I thought things were gonna be fine. He wanted to go on a date and I thought! 'Hey that'll be fun' but then he wanted us not to do anything..ya know.." Alfred flushes a bit and makes a face. Matthew nods understanding the gesture. "and..I guess I didn't mind that too much. It's not like..it would be that way forever right?" He looks to Matthew for some sort of confirmation to his thoughts and Matthew just gives him a frown and a nod.

Alfred continues moving away now and sitting up, gesturing more to make up for the lack of ways to expression his frustration and hurt. "but then..he said that I can't touch him at all!" He grabs Matthews shoulders and shakes him a bit to prove his point. "You know that's harder for me than the other thing!"

"He also said..it's impossible for me to actually like him cause there's nothing to like about him." Alfred quietens down a bit now as he speaks, looking down at the floor as if he might find Arthur there to talk to him again. " Mattie..i tried so hard..i did everything I can think of to make him understand how I feel about him and..he won't believe me. What am I doing wrong?" Then come the sniffles again, snot and tears and Matthew has to get Alfred a roll of paper towels from the kitchen to keep the flood at bay.

It's what Alfred says next though that has Matthew standing. His brother looking up from his wad of paper towels and asking him, "I'm not..a bad guy right?" It is the first time during his whole visit that Matthew is angry.

"I mean.. I said something awful when we were fighting before everything but..I apologized and..Mattie where are you going?" Alfred pauses as he watches Matthew move to the hallway and start tugging on his shoes. It takes him a moment to realize what his brother is about to do. He stands scattering used tissues across the floor. "Mattie..."

"Don't worry, Alfred." His brother smiles at him like nothing is wrong. "I"m just going to go get you some ice cream..you'd like that right?" He lies. Alfred looks thoughtful then. "Yeah..Ice cream would be nice." He admits.

"I'm taking your truck alright? Go lie down, I'll be back before you know it." Matthew promises and with that he is out the door.

Alfred's truck will pull up into Arthur's drive a few minutes later but it isn't Alfred that will be knocking loudly on Arthur's door this time.

Arthur lay in bed, tossing and turning restlessly as tears continued to seep into the Alfred-scented pillow. He'd steadily been talking himself down until he felt simply wretched. What could he do? He'd driven Scott away, and now had driven Alfred away too. The knowledge that no one would have called to check on him even had he not disconnected all of his phones was terribly lonely, and Arthur could feel the misery coiling tightly in his gut. A lifetime of struggling for acceptance had only led to being alone, and he knew that it was all his fault. 

Maybe it was time to simply give up. 

Just as he began to mentally berate himself for thinking such a thing, there came a hard knocking at his door. Arthur froze, his heart suddenly pounding. The knocking pattern didn't fit Alfred's, and nor did it fit Scott's. No one else could possibly be here at his flat, so it had to be a stranger. And last time there had been a stranger outside... 

He slid his gun out of its hiding place, but his hands were still trembling. He knew that it was ridiculous to fear opening his door, of all things, but perhaps he had been traumatised far more than he'd initially assumed. Arthur scrabbled for his phone but then stared at it for a moment. Who could he possibly call? Arthur hasn't exactly been nice to his brother the last time he'd been around, and Scott was probably busy, anyway. He was the police, so he couldn't call them either. And Alfred... No, he couldn't call Alfred. 

Arthur was jerked out of his thoughts by the knocking growing in speed and intensity. He swallowed hard and wiped his eyes before hesitantly making his way out towards the door, the gun clasped firmly in his hand. Just before he opened the door, he flicked the safety off and made sure his grip on the weapon was tight. 

"Matthew...?" Arthur frowned, unsure why the other man was here. He backed into his flat but didn't lower his gun. "What are you doing here? You got what you wanted."

Matthew is admittedly surprised to see the gun pointed at him but he tries not to let that deter him from what he has to say. He gives Arthur a flat look though at what he says and steps just inside the door. "Arthur..look I just came to talk. The last thing I wanted was for my brother to be in tears over you." He takes another step in watching the gun carefully. "Please..put that down." He asks giving him a stern look.

"I'll admit I don't know much about you but..from what I hear you need to get yourself together. Alfred has been nothing but forgiving and kind to you so when he comes home telling me that he feels like it's his fault your a wreck I'm not going to sit it out anymore."

Matthew's hands are by his side trembling, one of the few sighs of how angry he is. "After this whole ordeal that's happened I thought you two would be able to mend things and Alfred has been so talkative about how happy he was that you got back together and it was so hard to keep him in the house for even a few days because he insisted on coming here to see you."

Matthew looks Arthur in the eyes then, truly concerned. "Do you know why he's been so sick still? Why he's been running a fever? Because he won't rest! He just had to see you and all that traveling back and forth got his wounds infected." Matthew isn't one to shout but surely his tone is a bit harsher than usual. "So go on..sit there and tell me all he wants from you is something physical."

Matthew feels a bit better having gotten some of his words out and he looks a little more relaxed as he continues, standing stiffly just past the doorway as if remembering that he's barged into someone else's home. "So please..do what you need to do. Counselling, a vacation, whatever it is..for Alfred's sake AND YOURS. We're both here for you." Matthew holds out one of his hands in a friendly gesture. "I haven't been here long but I'd much rather leave with both of you smiling like when I arrived..but I am not above taking Alfred with me when I go back if it comes to that."

With that Matthew seems to have said his part he holds his breath and waits to see Arthur's response.

Arthur flinched slightly when Matthew extended his hand, and made no move to take it. Instead, he slowly clicked the safety back on and laid the gun down on a bench top. "I need to get myself together?" he echoed softly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't you think that I know that? I know that it's my fault. It's always my fault."

And now Matthew was threatening to take Alfred somewhere far away. But would that really be so bad? Alfred could be happy, then.

"Don't pretend that you want your brother to be dating me," he forced himself to snap, finally deciding that being defensive was better than being vulnerable. "We both know that you want nothing more than for me to be out of your brother's life forever. So what are you really doing here? Do you want me to feel guilty? Do you want me to apologise to Alfred? I have a right to set limits on a relationship if I feel that they are needed. Don't you dare barge into my home and pretend that you know the entire situation!"

Arthur could feel himself shaking, but he forced himself to continue to glare at Matthew. How was this fair? Alfred had Matthew to fight his battles for him, but who did Arthur have? He should have never begun to rely on other people.

Matthew could see how frustrating this was going to be the instant Arthur didn't take his hand. He retracted it and held it close to himself again.

"I came here for Alfred, not for myself. Do you realize how paranoid you sound?" He asks looking quite concerned for the other. Still he stood his own ground as he spoke again. "Limits are fine in a relationship, but telling Alfred he can't touch you at all..Arthur that's not a relationship anymore! Alfred understands that you need some time and space but if you turn completely cold to him he's doesn't know what to do. He's a big baby and if you suddenly revoke all affection he's going to be confused." Matthew tries to explain sternly.

He steps up to Arthur then standing at his full height and getting close enough to show how serious he was. "This is not about how much I may or may not like you dating my brother..This is about you and Alfred and what needs to happen if you want any kind of a future with him."

Arthur backed away when Matthew came too close, suddenly feeling cornered. Was he being paranoid? He'd never thought of himself as being crazy, but maybe... maybe he really was. But wasn't that just another reason to not allow Alfred close to him again? It wouldn't be fair to Alfred.

He hadn't been fair to Alfred anyway, though. Arthur fixed his gaze firmly on the ground as he let Matthew's words sink in. He'd been hurting Alfred for so long.

"What future?" he whispered desolately. He wanted to be with Alfred, but... "What can I possibly do?" he asked, looking up again. "I... am not suitable for your brother. Even when I try to be, I find myself failing. There is nothing that I can do to achieve this 'future' with Alfred."

Matthew softens up a bit when he finally see's Arthur at least hearing him out. He still holds his stance though. "You both seemed pretty happy when I first got here...What's changed since then?" Matthew asks him.

He lets out a sigh. "I know Alfred thinks highly of you and he just wants to make you happy. He's that kind of person. He's that kind of person, seeing other's happy, makes him happy.." Matthew focuses his attention on Arthur once more. "So what makes you happy? There's got to be something, right? Alfred was really excited about that date you mentioned to him..why not find something you both enjoy. Just..just TRY!" Matthew stresses. "Try harder! Your talking like it's already over but that just means your giving up! Alfred hasn't given up on you so don't you dare give up on yourself!"

"What's changed?" Arthur repeated. "I simply... stopped lying to myself, that's all."

But... Matthew was right, wasn't he? "I... do want Alfred to be happy," he said hesitantly. "And I was happy, just being with him..."

Try, Matthew had said. But it wasn't that easy. As much as Arthur hated to admit it, he was deathly afraid of being rejected once again. "He's already dumped me once, though," he said, trying to sound as matter-of-fact as possible. "It's an obvious enough signal, don't you think?"

Matthew just gave him a deadpan stare. "And what caused your break up last time? Was it the arguing like this?" He asks. "And who came back to you wanting to get up and try again because he still cared about you? Huh?" Matthew crossed his arms looking irritated a bit. "There you go giving up again. Plenty of people break up only to get back together. It's called being normal." He insisted. "You know whats not normal..going through hell and back with a serial killer and STILL being more concerned about making sure your alright then anything else."

"Well if it's not normal then perhaps he shouldn't bother!" Arthur didn't want to hear any more of this. The more Matthew said, the more it confirmed that this entire situation was Arthur's fault. He knew that already, he didn't need someone else to tell him that.

"I would like you to leave," he announced frostily. "Now, if you please."

"I'll leave when you promise me you'll talk to him..and by talk I don't mean shout at him or make him feel horrible like this again." Matthew gives Arthur a level stare before he turns and moves to the door again. He doesn't say anything else before he leaves.

The drive back to Alfred's place seems longer than it should and when Matthew comes in the door he find's Alfred on the couch with an empty ice cream bucket and making his way through a second. Matthew can tell he's been crying again but still Alfred greets him with a smile. He eyes Matthew's hands. "Where's the ice cream?" He asks and only then does Matthew remember what he was supposed to have been out doing.

"Ah..the store was closed. We'll have to get more tomorrow" He gives his brother a apologetic look and moves to sit down beside him tired. Alfred responds by immediately leaning over on his brother's shoulder.

"So..how is he?" Matthew looks over as if he doesn't understand. Alfred doesn't meet his eyes. "I'm not stupid..I know where you really went." There is the tone again, like his voice wants to crack.

"Don't worry about it Alfred. It's up to him now..whatever happens it isn't because of anything you did or didn't do."

"but Arthur.."

"No buts Alfred.."

Arthur spent the rest of the day wondering just what he was supposed to do. He had to do something. As he pondered, he mindlessly cleaned up around his flat. "How can I make it up to him...?" he mumbled to himself. Was it even possible to?

He didn't get much sleep that night, instead tossing and turning as he tried to think of an appropriate action. It was terribly lonely in his flat and he wondered if he should think about getting a cat. When morning came, he was exhausted and cranky, but he'd realised something important: he didn't have to do anything. He just had to try. All along, he had always waited for Alfred to apologise first, or make the first move. Alfred had been very patient with him, but maybe it was time for him to simply try harder to make everything work. 

It took him another few days to summon the courage to face Alfred, but finally he decided that he couldn't put it off any longer. Arthur rolled out of bed and examined himself in the bathroom mirror. He was rather pale and it was obvious that he hadn't been sleeping properly, but there wasn't much he could do about it. He showered quickly and dressed, making sure to wear both a long-sleeved shirt and pullover. As he left, he paused in the doorway, his heart suddenly pounding. He hadn't left the safety of his flat ever since he'd returned from the hospital, and he was more than a little bit apprehensive. 

He had to go outside though. For Alfred's sake. 

On the way to Alfred's home, Arthur stopped to pick up several items: a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates and several of Alfred's favourite hamburgers. When he finally arrived at Alfred's home, he hesitated outside the door for almost five minutes before rapping on the door tentatively. 

There are shuffling noises behind the door and finally when it is opened Matthew is standing there. He only glances over Arthur with a slightly approving nod before there are pounding footsteps running up from the back of the house. Matthew moves away and goes back to what he was doing, packing boxes as Alfred stampedes the doorway. At first he looks confused but generally happy to see Arthur then his eyes fall on what he's holding and Alfred's face goes slack in shock for a moment.

"A-Arthur..I..you, your here!" He says surprised but that smile is slowly growing on his face once more and quickly. He steps forward to pull Arthur inside and into a hug but stops himself short and pulls his hands back to himself quickly. "Ah sorry. no touching, right." He moves out of the way and gestures. "Come in. It's a mess but..eheh well it's always a mess here really." His motions are almost nervous like. He holds his hands behind his back as if almost scared to do something that might send Arthur running away again.

It hurt to know that Alfred was so shocked to see him. Had Arthur really been that bad of a boyfriend? Apparently he had been, but surely Arthur could change that now. He braced himself for a hug, and was somewhat devastated that it didn't happen. But then again, that too was his fault. 

Arthur meekly stepped through the doorway, still holding onto the gifts. "These are for you," he murmured, his voice hoarse. He thrust the presents at Alfred and only hesitated for a few seconds before stepping forward and burying his face against Alfred's chest. His fingers dug into the back of the American's shift tightly and he gave a single, stifled sound of distress. 

"I didn't mean it," he whispered. "You can touch. I'm... I trust you, really, perhaps more than anyone else. I want to try to make us work but I... I don't know what to do," he admitted. "Most people fuck me and leave. But you're different... Aren't you? You've always been different."

Alfred suddenly found himself with an armful of gifts and then quite suddenly an armful of Arthur as well. The gifts were dropped to the wayside for the moment as Alfred first and foremost wanted Arthur. He wraps his arms around him in response, fingers running over the fabric of Arthur's pullover and just trying to examine everything they could reasonably reach to make up for their being apart.

He held on tightly and didn't want to let go. "I'm just..so glad to see you." Alfred replies pulling back slightly enough to look Arthur over again as if to make sure he was really there before squishing him again against him. "I missed you."

"Arthur, I don't know what to say." Alfred's face is rather sheepish but he is clearly pleased. " and I don't know what we're supposed to do either but I know what I want do to." He gives Arthur a rather hopeful look. His hands lower just slightly before he picks Arthur up quite suddenly in his arms and spins around laughing loudly.

Arthur let out a startled gasp as he was picked up off his feet and suddenly swung around. His ribs ached in protest and he arched slightly, digging his fingers into Alfred's back as he closed his eyes tightly. It hurt, but he didn't want to do anything to interrupt Alfred's laughter. He hadn't heard the American laughing like that for far too long, so Arthur simply gritted his teeth and tried not to tense up too obviously. 

"Alfred," he finally mumbled weakly after being spun around in circles for a while, "Alfred, stop. I'm getting dizzy." As soon as he was set down, Arthur tried to subtly support his throbbing ribs by wrapping his arms around his abdomen tightly. He gasped softly as he brushed over his ribs, but carefully schooled his expression to hide any pain. 

"How have you been, since the other day?" he asked. "You were running around even though you weren't well..." He reached up and pressed the back of his hand to Alfred's forehead, and was relieved to find his fever gone. "You seem... Better," he continued lamely, suddenly feeling awkward again. "I'm glad. I... Missed you, also."

Alfred set the man down at his request." Oh! Sorry." He says before seeing Arthur holding his chest. Alfred's eyes grow wider and he steps away a little bit. "Ah..did I hurt you? I didn't mean to!" He says pulling his hands back once more looking worried and anxious like Arthur might turn and leave because of his actions.

He gently takes Arthur's hand that touches his forehead and holds it in his. "Yeah, Mattie made me stay in bed for days. I was only allowed up for the bathroom." He complains but in a generally well meaning way. "Do you feel any better? Are you off all the medicine yet?" He inquires.

Hearing Arthur really miss him though just continues the small warm feeling in Alfred's stomach and for a moment he just gazes at Arthur relieved. "Oh!" He leans down and picks up the gifts from the floor. "I'd better go put these away or they might get boxed up in the mess." Alfred jokes and he leads them both to the small kitchen area. He sets the flowers in a large glass of water pulling one out and hesitantly handing it to Arthur. "I should have gotten you something too." He explains feeling a little guilty.

"I'm off the medication," Arthur said quietly, looking up into Alfred's eyes. "I'm all right. Still a tad ache-y but it's nothing that I can't handle." He was relieved beyond belief that Alfred was all right. The American appeared to be much healthier than the last time they'd seen each other, and he was still acting affectionate towards Arthur, but...

"Boxed up?" he repeated in a choked voice, feeling the blood drain from his face. Was he too late? Was Matthew really taking Alfred away? He knew that he should have come earlier, but it had been a struggle to simply get out of bed, let alone make it out of his flat. "I... no, that's quite all right, I just thought..." He stared at the flower being offered to him, but made no move to take it. When was Alfred planning to tell him that he was leaving?

"I... should go," he said, his breath beginning to hitch in distress. Arthur took a couple of shaky steps backwards, towards the doorway. This wasn't what he'd expected when he'd forced himself to leave the safety of his flat today. "I don't wish to get in the way of your packing. I'm very glad that you seem well, and I... well, I suppose I wished to apologise for my recent behaviour. But I shan't stay and take up any more of your time if you're busy packing."

Alfred looked confused as Arthur's behavior began to change. His smile fell and his looks around as if trying to find what was causing the trouble. His heart practically broke when Arthur stepped away not accepting the flower. He continued to hold it out as if hoping Arthur would change his mind.

"No! Please..don't go!" Alfred says stepping after Arthur in alarm. He reaches out with both his arms then to try and stop Arthur from going any further. "It's Mattie packing." He tries to explain. "I mean..he's taking some of my stuff with him but I'm a bit of a pack rat and it's only because I'm gonna.. well I wanted to take a vacation down there soon." Alfred looks a bit flustered and he fidgets scratching the back of his head and looking away.

"It was supposed to be a surprise but..well I guess I can tell you now. You wanted a date right. I thought Hey! I'll do something even better than that! Back home's really scenic and stuff so I thought..we could both take a vacation together down there. Get away from work n' stuff..only if you want to though!" He adds quickly.