On The Force (Case 2) [R-18]

"I killed him." It was a statement, not a question. Arthur couldn't quite hide the relief in his voice. He was so glad that Alfred hadn't been the one to kill the man. Alfred could remain innocent for a while longer. Still, to know that he had killed someone was upsetting. He wrung his hands in his lap anxiously, trying to absorb the fact that he had killed someone. Sure, it wasn't the first life that he had ended while on a case, but still...

Arthur cleared his throat and squeezed Alfred's hand in return. "We'll figure this out," he said quietly. He knew that it was traumatic to be in that kind of situation. It had happened to him, too, after he'd finished his first dangerous case. The nightmares, memories, the guilt and horror... it was awful. Maybe he could convince Alfred to make use of the support groups offered by the police force. Personally, he'd refused to attend those out of pride but he'd heard that they were actually quite useful.

"I'm just glad it wasn't you," he whispered. Without clarifying his meaning, he leaned over and pressed a quick, chaste kiss to Alfred's forehead before heading towards the door.

Alfred was relieved himself that the news of what had happened didn't seem to upset Arthur too much even though he knew it must be hard. To have had to make that decision on whether to shot the man or try to stop him another way. But Alfred was glad Arthur had did what he did, he wasn't sure if he would still be alive if it wasn't for that. So Alfred was thankful, very thankful that Arthur had been able to do what he hadn't.

He sighs a small, tired but happy smile crossing his face for a moment. He closed his eyes and savored those seconds of Arthur's affection before he too deemed going back into the living room a god idea. He followed Arthur back into the other room after a moment.

He enters with a smile like nothing so heavy has just happened. He gives a hesitant glance towards the door. "I guess I should be going now." He announces. He walks over and once again holds out a hand for Scott to shake. "It was really nice meeting you. I hope i'll see you again. Take god care of Arthur for me, okay?" He asks before abandoning the hand shaking all together and giving Scott a hardy slap on the back.

He turns to Arthur then once he's released and goes to do the same before he hesitates for a moment. "Arthur I..I'll.." He gives Scott a short glance before he leans in close and kisses Arthur's cheek, whispering to him. "I love you..I'll miss you."

"That's what I should be telling you," Scott retorted, but accepted the slap on the back with surprisingly good grace. He waved the other man off and leaned back on the couch, pointedly propping his feet up on Arthur's coffee table and idly flicking through the television channels. Arthur glared at him, but followed Alfred to the door.

He blushed when Alfred kissed his cheek, and looked down at the floor. "Stop talking as if we're never going to see each other again," he reprimanded lightly, but when he finally looked up there was obvious fear and uncertainty in his eyes. "You... will be back, won't you? Only, I... I'd miss you terribly if you didn't."

Arthur bit his lip and looked away again, fiddling with the tie on his robe. Hadn't they decided to get back together? Why was Alfred speaking that way? "Though you needn't come back if you don't wish to," he added quietly. "I understand that there are more important things you need to do." He pushed past Alfred to the door and unlocked it slowly. He knew that it was a bad idea to jump to conclusions, but he couldn't help it. "Good bye, then, I suppose..." he trailed off helplessly and instead focussed on pulling the door open.

Alfred just gives Scott one last wave before he heads towards the door with Arthur trailing after him. He stops before he can open the door and turns to Arthur smiling patiently. Alfred didn't move as the door was opened for him though. "Of course I'll come back." He says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "When do you want me to?" He asks, thinking this would give Arthur the chance to set a date giving him enough time rest and do any other things he wished to before Alfred came barging back in again.

"What would ever give you the idea I didn't want to come back?" He asks quietly, honestly curious. "You know me, if it was up to me I'd come back tomorrow if I could..although I get a feeling Mattie won't allow me to go running around so much for awhile." He steps out the door still hovering between inside and outside. "But I promise I'll be back okay." He says before blowing Arthur a kiss and turning to leave.

Alfred hails down a cab to bring him home and once inside his own apartment Matthew does indeed baby him a bit, ushering him to bed and tucking him in and bringing a plate of ABC soup. Alfred just laughs and tells his brother to stop worrying over him so much.

He reaches up and touches Matthews forehead, the fresh scaring there. "Im sorry.." He says again. He's said it a million time already but it never seems like it's enough. Matthew just shakes his head and repeats the same words. The two have a sort of silent understanding that neither blame the other and it's a good thing.

Alfred plauys with his soup more than eating it, something Matthew should have known giving him what he did. Alfred spoon out the letter shaped noodles spelling things on his napkin. 'Arthur' 'brother' 'hero' Matthew can't tell if Alfred is sulking slightly or just being his usual self. Whatever it is, when Alfred finishes eating, Matthew brings him his medicine. He is surprised that he doesn't have to fight him as much as usual to take it. Perhaps Alfred is in more pain than he's letting on..he's good at hiding those kinds of things.

And when it's getting late and the older cartoons are coming on tv, Matthew curls up in bed with his brother, like they used to do when they were still little. They watch tv but it's more for the company they both think and as they fall asleep Matthew let's Alfred hog the blankets and Alfred let's Matthew have all the pillows and despite everything. Thing look like they are going to be alright after all.

Arthur could only wait two days before he began to doubt Alfred, and himself, again. Scott dropped over every now and then, attempting to 'cheer him up' by flinging insults and forcing him to take his medication regularly. Arthur tried to fend him off as best he could, but he had to admit that having someone around was... comforting. Scott was mean, but he wasn't cruel, and besides... He brought over food and groceries that Arthur didn't have to pay for.

He missed Alfred, though. Even while curled up in bed with a book and a cup of tea, he couldn't help but wonder what Alfred was doing, if he was all right, if he was going to come back... Arthur did his best to keep himself occupied, but it was hard. Ever since they'd gotten together, he'd never felt so unsure about their relationship.

"Stop your pining," Scott ordered as he brought a fresh batch of scones into Arthur's bedroom. "He'll be back."

"What if he doesn't come back, though?"

It was the first time that he'd voiced his insecurities out loud to his brother, and he was rewarded with a gentle cuff to the head.

"Don't be an idiot, and stop thinking that everyone is terrible. You're supposed to trust him, aren't you? Otherwise, he won't want to come back. 'Sides, why don't you get your lazy arse up and call him instead of just waiting?"

Arthur knew that his brother was being logical, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt as if he would be bothering Alfred if he tried to call. No, he decided. He'd wait a few more days, and if Alfred didn't come back in the next few days then... well, he'd assume that Alfred just wasn't coming back at all.

It would be yet another day later when Alfred showed up at Arthur's door. He was wrapped in his jacket and complaining about how cold it was outside, despite the temperature being rather mild. His face lite up when he saw Arthur though and he through his arms around the other man as soon as he could get to him. "I'm really sorry I wasn't able to get over here sooner." Alfred says looking somewhat panicked with his apology.

Almost as if on cue his phone rang. Alfred ignored it but the tone played for a good five minutes before he finally gave in and answered.

"Alfred...your trucks gone." Comes Mattie over the line.

"Yeah, I went out." Is Alfred reply.

"But I toke your keys and hide them! You know you were supposed to stay home and rest."

"and your hiding places suck! Besides It's nothing I'm just visiting Arthur."

"Alfred I swear-" Alfred hangs up and pockets the phone again giving Arthur a smile as if the phone had never rang.

Arthur leaned against the door frame tiredly, and barely protested when he was tugged against Alfred's chest. He had only just taken another dose of medication, and his eyelids drooped as he sagged against the other man. Alfred was so warm, and his arms were strong where they wound around Arthur's waist. He just wanted to sleep, and Alfred seemed like a comfortable enough pillow. His eyes slowly closed as he leaned limply against the American. It felt so right. He felt Alfred's chest rumble, as if he was saying something, but he couldn't hear Alfred's words.

The peace didn't last for long though. Arthur jerked back when he heard the other man's phone ring, and he leaned against the door blinking exhaustedly as he listened to the conversation.

"Shouldn't you... be with him?" he mumbled finally once Alfred hung up. "Don't... you know, neglect him. Remember?"

Arthur couldn't really think clearly, but he knew that Matthew could be feeling hurt that Alfred had simply left without telling him. Still, he stepped backwards into his flat and gestured for Alfred to follow. "Sorry," he muttered, yawning and rubbing at his eyes. His hair was a mess, and he was dressed in another set of crumpled pyjamas, this time with small, smiley-faced clouds on them. "I'm just... sleepy."

Alfred looks rather exhausted himself and he rubs at his forehead. "I'm not." He promises. " We've been getting along great these last few days just..He doesn't want me going anywhere cause 'm..." He mumbles out the rest of his sentence. "might be a little not too well still."

He follows Arthur into his house and looks around. It's certainly a little more messy than he's used to seeing it and that worries him a bit. Is Arthur not recovered either? "Do you want to go to bed?" Alfred asks at hearing the other is tired. He'd put aside his own health for Arthur's any day and maybe thought being there with him could help them both. That would be nice wouldn't it? He missed curling up in bed with Arthur, sharing blankets and pillows and embraces.

"Are you still taking your medicine?...Does you brother still stop by?" Alfred asks as he moves and collapses into the armchair of the room, jacket still wrapped around him and he drags a blanket from the back of the chair down for good measure too.

Arthur sat down on the couch, feeling awkward. It was just him and Alfred, and he didn't really know what to do or say without making a fool of himself. "If you're not well... you probably shouldn't be here," he muttered, closing his eyes and tilting his head back tiredly. "Scott was here yesterday... but he pissed me off so I threw him out."

They sat in silence for a moment as Arthur struggled to fight off his drowsiness. His head lolled to the side as he blinked slowly, sagging back against the couch. "D'you... want a drink?" he asked, his words slurring slightly. It was strange to be attempting to treat Alfred like a guest, but he honestly just didn't know what to say. Even though they had talked, things were still a bit raw and painful for him.

Part of him wanted to simply curl up in bed, wrapped in Alfred's familiar arms and surrounded by the American's comforting scent. But the other part of him cautioned him, making him wary of trusting so easily again. Still, he had missed Alfred terribly, which meant something... right? He had to say something.

"I'm glad... that you came back," Arthur finally confessed in a tiny voice. Admitting to something like that wouldn't make him too vulnerable, would it? He did his best to sit up straight and rubbed at his eyes. "Sometimes... I sort of thought you wouldn't."

"But I wanted to see you." Alfred replies as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. He glances over and looks at Arthur inspecting him while he has his eyes fluttering closed. Alfred himself is not tired but..he is very anxious. He had loved his time with his brother but he wanted to see Arthur too. He had missed him and worried about him and now that he was here all he wanted to do was be with him.

So why where they sitting so far apart. He was going to chance that and he moved to sit beside Arthur on the couch slightly turned to face him. "Why wouldn't I come back? I promised you I would didn't I?" He says looking concerned. He leans over then up against Arthur for warmth, wrapping the blanket around the two of them then. "I could never just..not see you. If you want me here I'll always come." He explains hiding his face against the side of Arthur's shoulder. His forehead pressing up against it showing how feverish he felt.

Arthur sat stiffly, feeling a bit uncomfortable at the sudden surge of physical affection. He could feel a sick heat radiating from his partner's forehead, even through the thick material of his pyjamas. "Alfred," he whispered, "you're still ill. You should go to bed." The American's words were sweet but Arthur still felt awkward. Could he really trust someone who had already broken his heart once before? 

"Come to bed," Arthur said quietly, shakily standing up and tugging Alfred off the couch. He led the other man into the bedroom and coaxed him into bed. Arthur himself remained standing though, even as he tucked the blankets around the other man. "I... Will be back. Get some rest."

He hurried out of the room and sat down on the couch again, drawing his legs up to his chest and burying his face agains his knees. It was one thing to be cuddling with Alfred on the couch; hopping straight back into bed with the man so soon was a different matter entirely. There was no doubt at all that he was still in love with Alfred, but... He needed time. He didn't want to have sex, or even sleep in the same bed. Even though they were together again, their relationship wasn't the same as it had been. He no longer felt at ease. Everything felt tense and awkward and it was making Arthur's stomach churn. 

Soon enough his drowsiness overtook him and Arthur nodded off against his knees, sitting hunched over in a ball on the couch. 

Alfred reluctantly followed Arthur to the bed. He wasn't particularly willing to sleep but he supposed it was better Arthur putting him to bed than his brother back home. However, As Arthur turned to leave the room again Alfred pouted and reached out for him. Only Arthur's promise of being right back made him put his arms down and curl up a bit in the sheets.

Alfred waited and waited and eventually he too drifted off to sleep for a little while clutching tightly to one of Arthur's pillows and trying his best to pretend it was the man himself. When he woke up however he felt nearly sick to himself and the bed was still empty of the one thing he wanted.

He forced himself up, feeling dizzy, and dragged some of the blanket's with him going to look for Arthur only to find him asleep himself on the couch. Alfred sighed unhappily at the sight. "Why did you stay in here?" He asks the sleeping man rather upset. He glances around suddenly feeling rather unwelcome in his partner's house.

He leans over and brushes Arthur's fringe away, placing a quick kiss to his forehead. "Maybe I should go." He says quietly glancing at the doorway. He didn't want to leave, he wanted to spend time with Arthur but Arthur seemed determined to keep the distance between them.

Arthur's dreams were strange and frightening. There was always the strange, sickening sensation of blood dripping down his arms and weighing down his clothing, slowly draining him of life. There was also the coldness that made him want to hunch over into a ball and wallow in his misery. The images that his mind supplied did not always make sense, but they were certainly horrific and dredged up far too many memories, both new and old.

He curled up tighter in his position on the couch, shivering slightly as he slept. It was cold, and he could feel the slick crimson fluid flowing across his skin, sapping him of strength as it drained away.

Then suddenly, everything stilled.

There was something pressing against his forehead, causing warmth to spread through his body. The images receded, and the sickening sensations faded away. Arthur stirred slightly, pressing his forehead gently against the warmth. It felt so nice that he wanted to stay like that forever. Whatever it was, it was chasing away his dreams and for that, he was grateful.

But then it began to draw away, and Arthur let out a soft, pained sigh. "Don'... leave me..." he mumbled drowsily, reaching out clumsily and managing to snag onto some sort of material. "Please," he added pleadingly, suddenly feeling choked and empty even though his eyelids had yet to open.

Alfred was almost ready to turn and leave when out of the blue Arthur's hands are tangling themselves with his shirt and he can't make it further than a few inches away from the man, who for all intents and purposes, appears to be asleep still. It puzzles Alfred and he tries to tug himself free at first. He has to pause though when he hears something being said. He stills and leans in close to listen and the words he hears nearly bring him to tears right then and there.

"You could have said that earlier." He says quietly even though he knows Arthur has yet to wake up. "but I'm still glad to hear it." He drops himself then all resolve to go back home leaving him and he moves to sits next to Arthur on the couch wrapping his arms around him. "I'm here." He says and it almost feels like earlier, when Alfred had tried to cuddle up with Arthur on the couch, only this time feeling sleepier, slower.

Alfred stays that way waiting for Arthur to wake up for real and dozing slightly off again himself. He's not as cold as before but he can feel his fever threatening to return if he exerts himself too much. After a moment Alfred finds himself speaking again, "but..if I don't leave..your not allowed to leave either..alright?" and he holds Arthur ever so slightly closer to himself.

Arthur's dreams quickly faded away completely as he was enveloped in a familiar, comforting warmth. He tried to burrow further into the warmth, nuzzling gently against it. There was a strange, distant rumbling that stopped soon enough, and then there was only silence. Arthur struggled to open his eyes but soon succumbed to the sedating properties of the medication once again. 

When Arthur finally woke up, it took him a moment before he noticed the arms encircling his waist. Still drowsy, Arthur let out a tiny, horrified noise before blindly scrambling off the couch, only to collide painfully with the coffee table. The pain helped to rouse him properly and he blinked up at Alfred, rubbing at his sore arm as he began to focus and take in the situation. It was just Alfred. Alfred wasn't going to hurt him, and he most certainly wasn't going to force sex upon Arthur. They were both still fully clothed. It was fine. There was no blood or cum or anything of the sort.  Everything was fine. It was just Alfred, who had most certainly not been with him when he'd fallen asleep. 

He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. While asleep, he'd been unconsciously comforted by Alfred's presence. Now, however, he felt as if his skin was crawling. He scratched at any exposed skin he could reach, feeling sick to his stomach. Some tiny, logical part of his brain knew that he wouldn't normally react in such a manner, that he was simply surprised by waking up beside Alfred when he hadn't expected to... But he felt as if he couldn't breathe, and as his chest heaved he couldn't help but be completely disgusted by himself for reacting that way towards the man he loved. 

Alfred was woke up from his rather nice sleep by something jerking from his arms and then a loud crash. He frowned and rubbed his eyes sitting up not realizing that he had fell asleep on the couch with Arthur. Had he really been that tired? Oh wait! What had the noise been?

He looked up and all around as his vision began to come in from being fuzzy from sleep. Arthur was on the floor and looked upset. Had he just fallen off the couch on accident? Looked like it. Alfred almost grinned and laughed at the clumsiness of it all when he noticed Arthur's stranger behavior. He was scratching at his arms and was clearly very distraught.

Alfred moved to get down on his knees in the floor by Arthur. "Hey! You alright? Did you hurt yourself badly?" He asks taking Arthur's hands slowly to stop him from scratching himself raw. "What are you doing? A-Arthur don't do that you'll hurt yourself." He says clearly concerned looking at the other man with worry in his eyes. "Calm down..it's okay..did you have a bad dream?.." He asks trying to slow his own hurried speech in hopes of relaxing Arthur a little by being calm himself.

He'd just been beginning to calm down, coughing a bit and doubling over as his ribs ache. Everything is fine, he repeated to himself fiercely, Get a grip, you stupid sod. But then Arthur felt his wrists being firmly gripped, and he panicked.

He had never liked being restrained, especially not after his past experiences. Whether it was for sex or for any other reason, he hated it. And now that he was being restrained in his own home... Arthur let out a terrified, vulnerable sound and kicked out, catching Alfred in the ribs solidly. "D-don't--" he gasped, tearing himself away from the hands and scuttling backwards across the carpet.

It was only then that he realised what he'd done. It was just Alfred. Alfred, who had been stabbed and was still recovering--and now Arthur had only hurt him more. Arthur scratched at his arms as he remained still on the carpet, peering over at the other man. "I... I didn't-- Alfred--" He forced himself to come a little closer, hovering over the American anxiously. "I'm sorry," he whispered miserably, feeling his heart finally begin to slow down from its rapid pounding in his chest.

Alfred is just leaning closer to Arthur to try and get a better look at him when the other struggles and suddenly lashes out at him. He instantly releases Arthur's hands but its too late by then and he's given a hard kick in the ribs that sends him backwards and to the floor holding his side as white flashes behind his eyes and he lets out a groan and a gasp.

He couldn't move for a good few minutes as the throbbing that erupted from his stitched up wound faded but didn't quite go away. He catches his breath and peeked over at Arthur who seemed to at least be calming down somewhat now. He gives a pained smile. "ah-AH..it's alright. Could you maybe..help me up though?" He asks as he feels the side of his face uncomfortably against the carpet. The muscles in his stomach felt weak and he berated himself a bit mentally thinking he needed to work out more once he was well again.

"I'm sorry for um, surprising you? Was that it?" Alfred asks unsure what caused his partners behavior.

"I... I'm just..." Arthur didn't know how to explain himself. He wasn't even sure what had caused it. He'd just... "I panicked," he whispered, as if ashamed. He bit his lip and hesitated for a long moment before helping Alfred back up onto the couch, making sure to let go as soon as he possibly could.

"Are you... all right?" he asked finally, unable to meet Alfred's eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, honestly. Do you need anything? I'll get you an icepack." Arthur staggered to his feet and unsteadily crossed the room to the kitchenette, where he took his time sorting through his freezer with shaking hands. Finally, he was unable to locate an icepack and instead selected a bag of frozen peas, which he wrapped in a dish cloth.

He offered it to Alfred silently, still looking away in shame. He hadn't meant to react like that. He hadn't meant to hurt the man who meant the most to him. "I'm sorry," he repeated, his voice sounding strangely hoarse to his ears.

Alfred gives a thankful look to Arthur as he's helped back up to the couch and he leans back looking strained but alright. "It was just a little accident. I'm fine." Alfred insisted. He still reaches for Arthur though even though Arthur keeps pulling away from him and as he runs off to the kitchen Alfred let's his expression fall into a frown.

Something was wrong. He could tell, he wasn't that dim. He just wished that Arthur would talk to him about it though instead of shutting him out. He wanted to help but..some part of the problem seemed to BE him. Alfred didn't know what to do. One moment Arthur wanted him to stay and the next he was kicking him away.

He accepts the cold iced peas with a chuckle and puts it to his side although he doesn't really help that much he's thankful for the gesture. "Just..lemme sit here for awhile and I'll be right as rain again." He promises and after a moment adds. "What about you?..Are you alright?" He glances at the scratch marks on Arthur's arms.

"I'm fine," Arthur said quickly, waving off the other man's concern. "But you're not--you felt rather warm earlier, and now that I've gone and stirred up your wound... W-well, at any rate, you should be resting so I'll go and put some tea on, shall I?" He couldn't help but ramble pathetically, wanting to avoid attempting to explain himself. What was he supposed to say?

He quickly darted over to the kitchenette again and took his time in preparing an overly-strong cup of tea. He remembered that Alfred had always preferred coffee, but wasn't sure if it was all right for Alfred to be drinking it while still injured and presumably on medication. In the end, he settled on making Alfred a mug of hot chocolate. The familiar motions of making hot drinks comforted him and by the time he brought the mugs over, he was feeling quite calm.

"You... ah, startled me," he tried to explain lamely. What else could he say?

Alfred just give Arthur a small smile. "That would be nice. Yeah" He replies even though he isn't terribly fond of tea but he thinks that it would be a good idea for Arthur to have some. He looked like he could use a nice cup of something hot to calm him down.

When Arthur leaves for the kitchen Alfred let's his smile slip only then. A pained expression crossing his face both physical and emotional. He knows Arthur didn't mean to hurt him but the way he reacted to waking up next to him was what felt even worse. They had slept together many times before. Why was it different now? He didn't understand. He forgave Arthur though for it. He always would. He was probably forgiving to the point of it being a fault but he didn't care. He knew Arthur hadn't meant it and that was enough for him.

When Arthur returns so does Alfred's vague grin. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to surprise you like that but you did ask me not to leave earlier." He says with a chuckle. "You might have been talking in your sleep though..but you looked so distressed I couldn't say no." He replies explaining as well.

"I... Did?" Arthur flushed in shame and wrung his hands in front of himself.  "I didn't mean to... Not that I don't want you here, of course! It's just that... If you wanted to go, then you shouldn't have stayed just because of me. But..." he hesitated. "Thank you. For caring about me. I really..." he took a deep breath and hurriedly sipped at his tea. It scalded his tongue, but at least it helped him to focus on something other than the emotions welling up inside of him. 

To Arthur, his words sounded horribly hollow. There were so many things that he needed to say, but it was too hard to summon the courage to say them.  "We... Should go somewhere," he said finally, playing with his now-empty cup. "When you're better."

They hadn't exactly gotten together in a normal way in the first place, had they? No wonder everything was such a mess. Arthur himself was a mess. But maybe... Starting from the beginning again would help. Two months hadn't really been long enough before making their relationship physical. If they started over, would they be able to stay together properly? "... But only if you want to," he whispered, looking away. 

"I wanted to stay." Alfred says quiet honestly. "I didn't want to leave in the first place but when you didn't come back to the room I figured I was only being a bother." Alfred lets out a sigh, his head tilting forward until his chin rests against his chest and his eyes close. He felt tired once more.

He snapped back up into attention at Arthur's timid suggestion though. "You mean like..a date?" He clarifies trying his best not to let on how hopeful he felt. A real date with Arthur. They hadn't had something like that in a while. It seems like forever since that night that they had stumbled into Alfred's apartment from a lovely night to have their first time together. Alfred wanted things like that again. To see Arthur's happy smile that he only let slip when he was really enjoying himself. To smile back and not have to worry about what was running through the other's mind.

"I'd like that." Alfred finally replies. "I'd really like that." His expression softens a bit. Even though Arthur seems to be looking anywhere but at him Alfred still only has eyes to look at Arthur. He's watching him, drinking his tea and fidgeting in what wold be a cute way if the recent events hadn't been taken into consideration. "So you get better too so we can go." He says looking a little relieved.

Arthur almost sagged in relief when Alfred agreed to go out somewhere. Maybe they really could start over and make things right again. He continued to fiddle with his cup before finally glancing up. There was something that he needed to ask. He had to confirm it.

"Back... in the hospital. You said that..." The words caught in his throat, but Arthur stubbornly cleared his throat and tried to explain himself. He clenched his fists tightly and blurted, "What I'm trying to ask is... are you truly willing to rekindle our, ah... relationship, without the promise of any sexual relations?" He wanted nothing more than to look away, but forced himself to meet Alfred's eyes. "I... can't provide those sorts of things," he said, trying to sound firm but instead only sounding ashamed. "Not right now. And I don't know when I'll be able to. I need time."

He swallowed heavily but refused to look away. "I just... thought you should know. So that you make the right choice. Because I understand that you're young, and you have needs, and if I'm not able to provide for those needs then... I'm sort of useless, aren't I?" He tried to chuckle, but the sound came out forced and choked. He wrapped his arms around his own abdomen and turned away slightly, finally lowering his eyes to the floor once again. He understood that Alfred hadn't meant what he'd said on that day that they'd fought. But still, it had struck him deeply and even now Arthur still didn't doubt that Alfred had been right. "I just... don't want to feel like a whore any more," he whispered, as if trying to explain himself.